Hello, minions. I hope you are enjoying your early Spring and that the fates are being good to you. The medical world is blossoming with new life, and new twists on regular life as well. This weekend is the Super Moon, which, according to legend, will bring a surge in births, a deluge of ER visits, and untold misery to physicians everywhere.
In nature, Spring is the time to procreate, and the moon is said to bring lovers together and to boost one's fertility. Perhaps it is the confluence of the Super Moon and early Spring that is bringing strange fetishes to light here. I need to preface this post with this little-known fact: Women tell me everything. Literally....whether I want them to or not...and will go into their personal endeavors in great detail and with great regularity with me once that door closes. You don't believe me? Court is now in session.
Exhibit A: The Cougar
Me: Do you want to go on birth control?
Her: Well....no. Probably not. If I get pregnant, it serves me right...it's what I get for going to college bars and having sex with men I don't like.
Me: Um....
So you see, on the one hand, I appreciate their openness and their comfort levels to be able to discuss anything with me. However, on the other hand, um....WTF! Of course, not all of them are that self-depreciating. Take my pregnant patient who had an overly-concerned husband:
Exhibit B: The Sofa-Sleeper
Her: Doctor, is it safe for a pregnant woman to have sex.
Me: Of course....if you are not having any problems, it's perfectly safe.
Her: So it wouldn't hurt the baby or anything like that?
Me: No, not at all.
Her: And it wouldn't hurt me at all?
Me: No. It's perfectly fine.
Her: Well then would you mind telling my husband that so I can stop having to hump the couch.
Me: Um.....
Now, occasionally, with all of this hooking up with college boys and furniture, I am the one who misunderstands. That leads me to today's exchange with a newly pregnant couple; young, excited, about 14 weeks along, asking me questions about safety.
Exhibit C: The Fetish
Me: Everything looks great, the baby is doing well, do you guys have any questions?
Him: Well....I guess just one. Um...I was wondering, is a spank ok for her?
Me: Um....I suppose.
Him: I mean it's safe? It's not going to hurt her?
Me: Well, I don't know for sure. How hard were you planning on hitting her?
Him: *confused look*
Her: No, doctor, he means is it ok for me to wear Spanks.
Me: Oh, the spandex belly band? Why yes, of course, no harm there. Well everything is going well, see you next visit.
In my defense, whilst I am surrounded by women every day, I don't know all the fashion accessory lingo there is to know. And, frankly, it really wouldn't surprise me if there are people out there with a pregnant spanking fetish, walking among us, undetectable, hidden from sight until their wife's OB appointment. I'm probably just exaggering and overblowing the problem. However, the next time you see a pregnant woman waddle down the hall, you will wonder, just for a second, if it's because she's preggers.....or something else.
You just never know.
The Guru
